friday funnies

Submitted: Friday, Nov 08, 2019 at 09:24
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It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank
while they carried us.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and
didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then after that trauma, our baby cot's were covered with bright
colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets
and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we
took hitchhiking.
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
Riding in the back of a car on a warm day was always a special
We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO
ONE actually died from this.
We ate Jam butties, white bread and real butter and Lemonade with
sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we
were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then
ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running
into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem...
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games
at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound,
nocell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat
rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were
no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not
live in us forever.
We were given Air guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with
sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we
did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door
or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
Football had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who
didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard
of They actually sided with the law!
This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem
solvers and inventors ever!
The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned
And YOU are one of them! CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to
grow up as kids, before the lawyers and the government regulated our lives
for our own good.

Have a great day Bushy.
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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Nov 08, 2019 at 09:50

Friday, Nov 08, 2019 at 09:50
Why Americans should never be allowed to travel. I'm a travel agent and a man called, furious about a Florida package we did.
I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible,since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me.I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state.

"What about the guy who rang British Airways and asked "How long does Concorde take to get to New York?". "Just one moment, sir" came the reply as the rep reached for the schedule. "To be sure, that's quick. Thank you very much". "Click".

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa.
When I told him this he said, "Look,I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A comment I heard frequently when flying overseas tourists around Kakadu National Park (You know, it is advertised for its untouched natural beauty, etc & is a tourist mecca for the wildlife): "But where are all the roads & houses?

"Many, many years ago I went on the the big OE. On a cruise boat on the Thames River ( UK ) we passed Windsor Castle - Overheard one of our American colonist's ask his wife "Why was it built so close to the Airport's flight path?" Say no mnore!!

A millionaire threw a party and during it he announces to his guests that down in the pool are two great white sharks. "I will give anything of mine to the person who dares to swim across that pool."
Amidst a few mutterings, the party continues until there is a splash from the pool and all the guests dash over to see what has happened. In the pool is a man, built like a gladiator, and he is swimming as hard as he can. Sure enough, the predators fins rise out of the water and their jaws begin snapping, but this guy just keeps on going. As he nears the end, the sharks are on top of him baiting for blood, but he keeps just ahead of them. With the roar of the watching crowd urging him on, and a final Herculean effort, the man reaches the end and hoists himself out of the pool.
Gaspingfor air, he turns to take the adulation from those spectating, of his magnificent feat.The millionaire grabs the microphone " Sir you are indeed brave, a man with the heart of a lion, and I, I am a man of my word. As promised you may have anything you desire; my Porsche?, my house?,my wife?. Absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So what will it be?'
To which the guy replies, "Well, why don't we start with the name of the bastard who pushed me in!"

God and the Devil were talking one day. The Devil said to God, "Come on, let's have some fun, let's go to Mars." God replied that he had visited Mars 5,000 years ago and found it much too hot."Well, what about Jupiter then?" asked the Devil." No - went there 10,000 years ago; atmosphere too thick; could hardly breath." "Well ... let's go to Earth then," the Devil said.
"Can't," said God, "went there 2,000 years ago; got a nice Jewish girl pregnant, and they're still talking about it."

AnswerID: 628580

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Nov 08, 2019 at 10:35

Friday, Nov 08, 2019 at 10:35
A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said

'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has.

Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.' The Irishman nodded in acknowledgement.

As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening.

All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold.

A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost.. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen.

Suddenly, there was a long, high pitched scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the

Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match.

The trainer was astounded. When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!'

The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face.

I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.'

The trainer exclaimed 'That's what finished him off?'

'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own nuts.
Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 628582

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Nov 08, 2019 at 11:42

Friday, Nov 08, 2019 at 11:42
Bad day at work

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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