Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 06:14
ThreadID: 137664 Views:2521 Replies:14 FollowUps:6
The good old days

Black and White TV (Under age 40? You won't understand.) You could hardly see for all the snow,
Spread the rabbit ears as far as they go.
Pull a chair up to the TV set,

My Mom used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread mayo on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning.

My Mom used to defrost hamburger on the counter and I used to eat it raw sometimes, too. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. coli.

Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.

The term cell phone would have conjured up a phone in a jail cell, and a pager was the school PA system.

We all took gym, not PE...and risked permanent injury with a pair of high top Ked's (only worn in gym) instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now.

Flunking gym was not an option... even for stup!d kids! I guess PE must be much harder than gym.

Speaking of school, we all said prayers and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention.

We must have had horribly damaged psyches. What an archaic health system we had then. Remember school nurses? Ours wore a hat and everything.

I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself.

I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations.

Oh yeah... and where was the Benadryl and sterilization kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed!

We played 'king of the hill' on piles of gravel left on vacant construction sites, and when we got hurt, Mom pulled out the 48-cent bottle of Mercurochrome (kids liked it better because it didn't sting like iodine did) and then we got our butt spanked.

Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10-day dose of a $49 bottle of antibiotics, and then Mom calls the attorney to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat.

We didn't act up at the neighbor's house either; because if we did we got our butt spanked there and then we got our butt spanked again when we got home.

I recall Donny Reynolds from next door coming over and doing his tricks on the front stoop, just before he fell off.
Little did his Mom know that she could have owned our house (no lawsuits back then).
Instead, she picked him up and swatted him for being such a goof. It was a neighborhood run amuck.

To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family.

How could we possibly have known that?

We needed to get into group therapy and anger management classes.

We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac!

How did we ever survive?
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 06:16

Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 06:16
The Jewish Tie Salesman

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?

The man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment.

I spit on your ties. I need water!

"Sorry, I have none, just ties - pure silk, and only $5.

"Pahh! A curse on your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but . . .
I must conserve my energy and find water!

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man. It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me,or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that.

If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace.

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped,

.

.

"They won't let me in without a tie!"
AnswerID: 623115

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 06:17

Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 06:17
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland.

Tips:

1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder-width apart.

2. Form a loose grip.

3. Keep your head down!

4. Avoid a quick backswing.

5. Stay out of the water.

6. Try not to hit anyone.

7. If you are taking too long, let others go ahead of you.

8. Don't stand directly in front of others.

9. Quiet, please ... while others are preparing.

10. Don't take extra strokes.

Well done. Now, flush the urinal, wash your hands, go outside and tee off.
AnswerID: 623116

Reply By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 07:55

Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 07:55
A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his 3 sons. When his sons opened up the Will it read:
My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses;
My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;
My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.

As it's impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other. So, they decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them.

The farmer friend read the Will patiently, and after giving due thought.
He brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17. That increased the total to 18 horses.
Now, he divided the horses according to their father's will.

Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.
1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.
1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.

Now add up how many horses they have:
Eldest son 9
Middle son 6
Youngest son 2
TOTAL = 17
Now this leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm......
Problem solved!
AnswerID: 623117

Reply By: OBJ - Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 08:25

Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 08:25
Angus Broon of Glasgow, Scotland, comes to the little lady of the house
exclaiming, "Maggie, cud ya be sewin on a wee button that's come
off of me fly? I can't button me pants."

"Oh Angus, I've got me hands in the dishpan, go up the stairs and
see if Mrs. MacDonald could be helpin ya with it."

About 5 minutes later, there's a terrible crash, a bang, a bit of
yelling and the sound of a body falling down the stairs.

Walking back in the door with a blackened eye and a bloody nose
comes Angus. The little lady looks at him and says, "My god, what
happened to ya? Did you ask her like I told you?"

"Aye," says Angus. "I asked her to sew on the wee button, an she
did, everything was goin' fine but when she bent doon to bite off
the wee thread, Mr MacDonald walked in."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A Greek and a Scotsman were sitting in a Starbucks cafe discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, "Well we Greeks built the Parthenon" and arched his eyebrows.

The Scotsman replies, "Well ... it was the Scots that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics."

The Scotsman, nodding in agreement says, "Scots were the ones who built the first timepieces and calendars."

And so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "The Greeks were the ones who invented sex!"

The Scotsman replies, "Aye, that is true, but it was we Scots who introduced it to women!"

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BLONDE'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY: DAY 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my sexiest dresses and make-up. Really excited.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 3
At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY:DAY 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 5
Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 6
Today I saved 1600 lives. Four times.
AnswerID: 623118

Reply By: Member - DickyBeach - Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 08:52

Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 08:52
Sally and Ian, both blondes, were delighted when their long wait to adopt a child finally came to an end.

The adoption centre informed them they had been selected as potential parents for a beautiful baby girl from China.

On the way home, they stopped at their local university and enrolled in night courses. After they’d filled out their forms, the registration clerk had a curious question.

“I’ve noticed you both said you wanted to learn Chinese. What made you want to do that?”

“That’s easy,” Ian replied. “We just adopted a baby girl from China and she will start to speak in about a year.”

“That’s right,” Sally added. “We want to be able to understand her when she speaks.
AnswerID: 623119

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 09:16

Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 09:16
Japanese couple in an argument over ways of highly erotic s*x....

Husband: "Sukitaki."

Wife replies: "Kowanini!"

Husband says: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

Husband replies angrily: "Na miaou kina tim kouji!"

.
.
.
.

And you sit there reading this sh*t as if you understand Japanese!

You are really unbelievable!

I always knew that anything on S*X would grab your attention!

bill
AnswerID: 623121

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 09:17

Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 09:17
There comes a time when a woman just has to trust her husband...

For example...

A wife comes home late at night, and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Leaving the covered bodies groaning, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say "hello"?

bill
AnswerID: 623122

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 11:08

Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 11:08
Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

"Like playing golf and tennis, sitting around the pool, and drinking wine is not a good thing?" I asked.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me", she said and suggested that I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her. I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 70 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me and yelled, "Good grief, where are your glasses?! This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again," I said, "I really don't know what to do. I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.
AnswerID: 623126

Follow Up By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 12:07

Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 12:07
Where can I get that card?

bill
3
FollowupID: 896255

Follow Up By: Colcam42 - Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 18:28

Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 18:28
Good one Geoff....... :-)
1
FollowupID: 896263

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 11:12

Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 11:12
KING ARTHUR AND THE OLD UGLY WOMAN

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?...What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighbouring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day -- or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below.

BUT -- make YOUR choice before you read further.




Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

Now....what is the moral to this story?



The moral is --

If you don't let a woman have her own way...
Things are going to get ugly..
AnswerID: 623127

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 11:17

Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 11:17
Sarcasm for the day ...

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably angry.

4. Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the "John" and renamed it the "Jim". I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers. If you find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.
AnswerID: 623128

Follow Up By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 12:03

Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 12:03
Like this ?.
Dave.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVV9HzPAH8I
1
FollowupID: 896254

Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 11:46

Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 11:46
AnswerID: 623131

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 14:17

Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 14:17














Living like a millionaire on the pension

Member
My Profile  Send Message

AnswerID: 623136

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 14:22

Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 14:22
Bogged car! The attached video shows how.

First look at the still picture then the attached video clip to see
how it was removed..

An intricate and delicate operation well worth watching and learning
how to get out of a similar situation!!




Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

Lifetime Member
My Profile  My Blog  Send Message

AnswerID: 623137

Follow Up By: Member - johnat - Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 20:54

Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 20:54
Just gotta be big enough to pick the bastard up!

Good one!
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Member
My Profile  My Blog  Send Message

0
FollowupID: 896266

Reply By: Colcam42 - Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 17:54

Friday, Jan 11, 2019 at 17:54
This is too true to be funny but follows on from the above:
The next time you hear a politician use the word 'billion' in a casual manner, think about whether you want the 'politicians' spending YOUR tax money.

A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but one advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure into some perspective in one of its releases.

A billion seconds ago it was 1959.

A billion minutes ago Jesus was alive.

A billion hours ago our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.

A billion days ago no-one walked on the earth on two feet.

A billion Dollars ago was only 13 hours and 12 minutes, at the rate our government is spending it.

Stamp Duty
Tobacco Tax
Corporate Income Tax
Income Tax
Council Tax
Unemployment Tax
Fishing Licence Tax
Petrol/Diesel Tax
Inheritance Tax
(tax on top of tax)
Alcohol Tax
G.S.T.
Property Tax
Service charge taxes
Superannuation Tax
Vehicle License / Registration Tax
Vehicle Sales Tax
Workers Compensation Tax
Carbon Dioxide Tax

Not one of these taxes existed 60 years ago and our nation was one of the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt.
We had the largest middle class in the world. Mum stayed home to raise the kids, Dad and teachers were allowed to discipline kids.
A criminals life was uncomfortable.
Boat people were kids sailing on the harbour.

What the hell happened?
'Political Correctness', ‘Politicians or both?'I hope this goes around Australia and beyond
at least 100 times
AnswerID: 623140

Follow Up By: David I1 - Monday, Jan 14, 2019 at 14:59

Monday, Jan 14, 2019 at 14:59
Just read this but 60 years ago we did pay income tax, and also there were death duties. Also each State had some form of stamp duty. Whilst it might not be a tax, we still had to pay to have our cars registered and it we did have to pay for a drivers license. In fact we had radio and TV licenses. So the list is not quite correct.
2
FollowupID: 896344

Follow Up By: Ron N - Monday, Jan 14, 2019 at 21:22

Monday, Jan 14, 2019 at 21:22
David is right on the mark. In America, taxes in various forms were exacted long before the year 1900.

Before 1900, the taxes were mostly Federal customs excises and duties, and sales taxes enacted by the individual States.

The 16th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution, enacted in 1915, was the law that enabled Federal personal income tax to be collected.
This Amendment was enacted due to the incredible wealth garnered by the oil and railroad barons between about 1850 and the start of WW1 in 1914.
These barons accumulated their wealth because there was no personal Income Tax, in that above period.

John D Rockefellers personal wealth in 1916 was US$1B, in 1916 dollars.
Googles parent company, Alphabet, is currently worth $600B.
Possessing US$1B in wealth in 1916 would equal around $450B today. Even Bill Gates is only worth US$95B today.

In Australia, the Federal Income Tax Act was also enacted in 1915.
We have always tended to follow America and its trends, despite that "slavish following", seeming to be a post-WW2 tendency.

Prior to Federation in 1901, the individual Australian States taxed their citizens with numerous substantial import duties and tariffs.
These tariffs and duties were designed to discourage trade between the colonies and the other Australian States, who were treated like foreign countries.

From 1915, Australians were taxed by both States and the Federal Govt, with a multitude of State Taxes, plus Federal tariffs and duties.
The GST Act of 2000 was supposed to ensure the removal of virtually all State taxes, but some still remain.
Customs duties are still imposed on many items (at around 5%), as well as GST.

I can remember paying $8000 in personal income tax in 1968 (51 years ago), and that was some serious amount of tax, back then. The equivalent of 4 new Holden sedans, in those days.
I also earnt a lot of money in that year of the "booming 60's", so I didn't begrudge paying that amount of tax.

That makes the claim that, "Not one of these taxes existed 60 years ago", ring pretty hollow, no matter whether you're American or Australian.

Cheers, Ron.
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FollowupID: 896366

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