Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 06:10
ThreadID: 136245 Views:2663 Replies:12 FollowUps:9
This Thread has been Archived
Yesterday I had an appointment to see the urologist for a prostate
exam. Of course I was a bit on edge because all my friends have
either gone under the knife or had those pellets implanted.

The waiting room was filled with patients.

As I approached the receptionist’s desk, I noticed that she was a
large unfriendly woman who looked more like a Sumo wrestler than woman.

I gave her my name, and in a very loud voice, she said,
“YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE.
YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to
look at me, a now very embarrassed man. But as usual, I recovered
quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,

“NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON’T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR
THAT DID YOURS.”

The room erupted in applause!

DON’T MESS WITH US OLD RETIRED GUYS.
Back Expand Un-Read 4 Moderator

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 06:13

Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 06:13
Conjoined twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar
stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip.
I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation
while pouring the beers. "Been on vacation yet, fellas?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a
car, and drive for miles and miles, don't we, Jim?"

Jim nods.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country...the history, the
culture, and especially the beer."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's
beer, that's for us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English people, they're
so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

John replies: "Gives Jim a chance to drive
AnswerID: 616772

Reply By: Member - MIKE.G - Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 07:47

Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 07:47
"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home.
In Glasgow, there's a wee place called the Scottish Arms.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.

"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me-self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quite a few times”.
AnswerID: 616775

Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 08:24

Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 08:24
A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, "What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?"

The doctor replied, "It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs."

.........,,,,,,,,, ,,...........

Bush poetry offerings........


We pensioned off old Blue the dog
when old age got him down
We sent him for company
to old Grandma in the town

But while Granny was elated
Blue still craved the great out doors
and he would roam the town exploring
while old granny did the chores

So it was this sunday morning
Blue was fossicking about
through the paddocks near the township
on his normal daily scout

When a canine gourmet odour
overpowered his sense of smell
though his eyesight had diminished
his old sniffer still worked well

And the sense of his excitement
was reposed down by the creek
where a sheep had met his maker
for the best part of a week

For its woolly corpse was spreading
and the air was far from fresh
from this rancid flyblown carcass
with its seething greenish flesh

It was a dogs idea of heaven
and old Blue, he rubbed and rolled
till he ponged just like the sheep did
and with ecstasy extolled

Then an idea formed within him
as he gave a gentle tug
and he found the carcass followed
like a matted lumpy rug

He would take it home for later
it should last a week or two
if he stored it in his kennel
he could keep his prize from view

So he gripped the carcass firmly
proudly into town he went
but his load proved fairly heavy
and old Blues energy soon spent

And the only shade on offer
was the building with the bell
and he dragged his prize towards
with its flies and feral smell

Then the dog and sheep both rested
in the front porch of the church
old Blue looked up the gangway
at the parson on his perch

He was revving up the faithful
to repent to save their worth
and said satan was the culprit
for all the rotten things on earth

And he roared of fire and brimstone
and redemption for the throng
up the aisle came satans presence
in this godforsaken pong

And they all cried “Hallelujah”
and they fell as one to pray
but by now old Blue was rested
and he hadn’t time to stay

He proceeded up the roadway
with the woolly corpse in tow
with a shortcut through the nursing home
the quickest way to go

Where the matron, in a panic
counted heads in mortal fright
with a smell like that they’d surely lost
a patient through the night

And the members at the bowls club
lowered all their flags half mast
doffed their hats in silence
for the funeral going past

But old Blue lugged his prize on homewards
travelling past the bowling club
till he took a breather under
the verandah of the pub

There old boozing Bill was resting
sleeping off the night before
to wait the sunday session
when they opened up the door

When the stench awoke his slumber
which was highly on the nose
and he thought his pickled body
had begun to decompose

And he missed the sunday session
when he ran home to his wife
to proclaim the shock announcement
he was off the booze for life

Meanwhile Blue could see Gran’s gateway
at the far end of the street
so he started up the pavement
with his ripe and tasty treat

But there was movement in the backstreets
as the town dogs sniffed in deep
they broke chains and climbed high fences
for a piece of Blue’s dead sheep

And Blue felt the road vibrating
from the stamp of canine feet
as this pack of thirty mongrels
came advancing up the street

But he wasn’t into sharing
so he sought a quick escape
and he spied a nearby building
with a door that stood agape

Through this door he sought asylum
but his presence caused a shriek
for he’d chosen the local deli
that was run by Nick the greek

And Blue shot beneath a table
where the sheep and he could hide
but the dog pack was relentless
and they followed him inside

Now the table Blue had chosen
was a double booked mistake
with the law enforcement sergeant
sipping coffee on his break

And the sergeant sat bolt upright
with a dog between his feet
and his eyes began to water
from the dead decaying meat

Then the sarge leapt up in horror
but in his haste he slipped and fell
falling down amongst Blue’s mutton
with it’s all embracing smell

And he lay somewhat bewildered
in the gore, flat on his back
when the mongrel pack descended
in a frenzied dog attack

With first thought self- preservation
from the rows of teeth he faced
the sarge fumbled for his pistol
in it’s holster at his waist

There were muffled bangs and yelping
as random shots rang out
and the whine of bouncing bullets
off the brickwork all about

As he blasted in a panic
from beneath the blood and gore
a front window and the drink fridge
were both added to the score

And the cappuccino maker
copped a mortal wound and died
hissing steam, it levitated
falling frothing on it’s side

And Nick the greek, the owner
grabbed a shotgun in his fright
blasting into the confusion
of the frantic canine fight

At short range it wasn’t pretty
dogs were plastered on the wall
there was laminex in splinters
clouds of dog hair covered all

Then the smoke detector whistled
with the gunsmoke in the air
which set off the sprinkler system
and a siren gave a blare

And the echoes still were ringing
when beneath the dying heap
there emerged old Blue, still dragging
at the remnants of his sheep

It’s head was gone and several legs
but it hadn’t lost it’s smell
in the armistice that followed
Blue decided not to dwell

He leapt the fence at Grandma’s
for his feet had sprouted wings
pure adrenalin propelled him
fleeing dogs and guns and things

Now old Gran had influenza
and had lost her sense of smell
with Blues sheep in the garden
that was probably just as well

And she looked out from her front fence
at the town in disarray
at the ambulance, police cars
and the rspca as well

Then the fire brigade rushed past her
flashing lights of rosy hue
and she hugged the old dog tightly
he’d protect her would old Blue

You just stay here like a good dog
Grandma told him with a frown
“ ‘cause you’ve no idea the trouble
you can get into in town”



Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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AnswerID: 616776

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 09:09

Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 09:09
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OUR LIGHTER SIDE 4/1/2014
Written by chuck on March 31, 2014 – 10:30 pm -


Why are there never any “Good” side-effects on medications?
Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle that says
“may cause extreme Sexiness”.

Defense Attorney:

When a girl gets a vibrator …

Pink dots to green dot

A little Eye Candy

________________________

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?
Little Old Lady:
I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?
Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?
Little Old Lady:
No, I didn’t stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Alfred died some 20 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?
Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?
Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?
Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so “spicy” that I just laid down and told him “Take me, young man. Take me now!”

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?
Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot the bastard.
bill
AnswerID: 616777

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 09:15

Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 09:15
An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.

”Excuse me; I can’t seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?”

The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ”Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?”

”I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.”
bill
AnswerID: 616778

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 09:22

Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 09:22
Snake eating dinner for 5 hours!

The snake will not be hungry for a couple of months... This is amazing. These pictures were taken by one of the road crew members at Cloudbreak , Arizona last week. It took a total of 5 hours for the Desert King Snake to finish off the Goanna (Sand Monitor). As you can see, they put some stakes with flag tape on them plus a hazard/danger triangle up to help keeping someone from running over them .Looking at the man then comparing him to both the Desert King and the Goanna the snake looks to be at least 8' and the lizard 5'. What do you think?







bill
AnswerID: 616779

Follow Up By: Member - Robyn R4 - Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 19:22

Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 19:22
He's lucky to have succeeded!
I once saw a photo of an overenthusiastic snake who took on an alligator...and uh...the snake split at the seams...
0
FollowupID: 888223

Follow Up By: Genny - Sunday, Feb 11, 2018 at 20:07

Sunday, Feb 11, 2018 at 20:07
Goanna in Arizona? Methinks some bugger stole an Australian photo.
1
FollowupID: 888261

Follow Up By: Bob Y. - Qld - Sunday, Feb 11, 2018 at 20:49

Sunday, Feb 11, 2018 at 20:49
And it looks very much like a Black-headed Rock Python..........

Bob

Seen it all, Done it all.
Can't remember most of it.

Lifetime Member
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1
FollowupID: 888263

Follow Up By: Genny - Monday, Feb 12, 2018 at 10:13

Monday, Feb 12, 2018 at 10:13
A quick google, and the original source was August, 2009, and indeed identifies the victor as a black-headed python, and the location as a Pilbara mine site.
1
FollowupID: 888271

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 10:03

Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 10:03
Life is like that———

Love

A teacher asks a student:
"What kind of woman would you like to be with when you're all grown up?"
"A woman like the moon!" Answers the kid
"That's beautiful," breathes the teacher, "what a choice! Because you'd like her to be beautiful and radiant like the moon?"
"No, I'd like her to appear at night and disappear come morning!"

Death

After Bob died, everyone gathered at his funeral. Then the minister started to speak: "He was a model husband, a decent man, a terrific father..."
The widow then makes a motion for her son to come to her.
"What is it mother?" he whispers.
"Dear, go check the casket, I think we're at the wrong funeral..."

Hope

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband: "Nothing."
Wife: "What do you mean nothing? You've been staring at our marriage certificate for over an hour!"
Husband: "Yea, I'm checking the expiration date."

Neighbours

"The new neighbors are so in love," remarks Susan to her husband, "he hugs her, kisses her and strokes her hair.

Why don't you do that?"
"Because I don't know her that well."

Donations

Knock on the door.
"Hello sir, would you like to contribute something to the old folks home?"
"Yes, actually." Beams the old man.

"Carol, put your jacket on and pack a suitcase!"

Shopping

An elderly couple is walking in the city, hand in hand, when they pass a jewellery store.
The wife turns to her husband with a smile:
"Love, would you buy me a chain?"
"Why?" Asks the husband, "Tired of being free?"

Qualities

A woman asks her husband:
"What do you like about me the most?

My beautiful face or my sexy body?"
The husband gives her a long, appreciating look.
"Your sense of humour."

Politics

The pilot has a heart attack and dies.

The stewardess, frantic, grabs the mike and calls out a May Day. "May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me!

The pilot had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how to fly.

Someone help me! Please help me!" She then hears a voice on the radio saying:

"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear.

I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground.

I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.

Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm and everything will be fine!

Now give me your height and position." She then says,

"I'm 5'4" and I support Bill Shorten

"O.K." says the voice on the radio,

"Repeat after me: Our Father, Who art in Heaven....""
Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 616780

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 10:22

Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 10:22












Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 616781

Reply By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 10:24

Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 10:24
Scottish Soldier, in full dress uniform, marches into a pharmacy.
Very carefully he opens his sporran and pulls out a neatly folded cotton bandana, then unfolds it to reveal a smaller silk square handkerchief, which he also unfolds - to reveal a condom.

The condom has a number of patches on it.
The chemist holds it up and eyes it critically.
"How much to repair it?' The Scot asks the chemist.
"Six pence" says the chemist.
"How much for a new one?"
"Ten pence" says the chemist.

The Scot painstakingly folds the condom into the silk square handkerchief and the cotton bandanna, replaces it carefully in his sporran, and marches out of the door, shoulders back and kilt swinging.
A moment or two later the chemist hears a great shout go up outside, followed by an even greater shout.
The Scottish soldier marches back into the chemists and addresses the proprietor, this time with a grin on his face.
"The regiment has taken a vote," he says.
“We'll have a new one !!!

DaveM.
AnswerID: 616782

Follow Up By: Nomadic Navara - Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 20:04

Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 20:04
Better luck this time. I had a seniors moment and previously posted it to the wrong reply.


I Don't know. That's about the third time that joke has appeared this year and they still can't get it right. The correct punch line is:

"The regiment says repair."
PeterD
Retired radio and electronics technician

Lifetime Member
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1
FollowupID: 888225

Follow Up By: Member - David M (SA) - Saturday, Feb 10, 2018 at 09:56

Saturday, Feb 10, 2018 at 09:56
My sincere apologies Peter. Will try harder next time to find a joke you haven't read before. Hope you get over the shock of seeing this one again so soon. If not counselling might help.
Dave.
2
FollowupID: 888235

Reply By: Zippo - Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 10:36

Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 10:36
Out on the reservation, the Indian Chief thought that it was going to be a hard winter so he sent all the braves out to collect wood. As he watched them return loaded with wood from the forest he suddenly thought that he should check the medium range weather forecast, so he made a phone call to the local meteorology office.

The Chief asked;“Tell me, is it going to be a hard winter?”

“Yes” replied the meteorologist ”All indications are that it will be a hard one.”

So the Chief told his men that they didn’t have enough wood and sent them back into the forest again. They returned with more wood but once again the Chief had doubts, and he phoned the meteorology office again to confirm.

“Yes, according to all indications, it is going to be a really hard winter” replied the meteorologist.

The Chief looked at the stockpile and he decided that they need more timber and he sent the braves back to the forest. When they returned, still worried the Chief once again phoned the meteorology office.

“Are you sure it’s going to be a REALLY hard winter?”

“Listen” replied the meteorologist; “I don't have a crystal ball, but it looks like it’s definitely going to be the worst winter on record. The local Indians are all out gathering wood like crazy!”

AnswerID: 616783

Follow Up By: Nomadic Navara - Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 15:50

Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 15:50
I Don't know. That's about the third time that joke has appeared this year and they still can't get it right. The correct punch line is:

"The regiment says repair."
PeterD
Retired radio and electronics technician

Lifetime Member
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0
FollowupID: 888220

Follow Up By: Zippo - Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 17:35

Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 17:35
Followup to the wrong post?
0
FollowupID: 888221

Follow Up By: Nomadic Navara - Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 20:02

Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 20:02
Thanks, you are correct, am now going to the correct post.
PeterD
Retired radio and electronics technician

Lifetime Member
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0
FollowupID: 888224

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 17:57

Friday, Feb 09, 2018 at 17:57
Stock Market Terms...

CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.

CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.

BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to
?????????????????????????? mistake himself for a financial genius.

BEAR MARKET -- A 6 to 18 month period when the kids get no
?????????????????????????? allowance, the wife gets no jewelry, and the husbandgets no sex.

VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.

P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants
???????????????????? as the market keeps crashing.

BROKER -- What my broker has made me.

STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.

STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.

STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
????????????????????????? assets equally between themselves.

FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.

MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.

CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears
?????????????????????? down the toilet.

YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker
??????????????? for $240 per share.

WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who
???????????????????? bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.

INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked
????????????????????????????????????????????? up in a nuthouse.

PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.?
AnswerID: 616789

Reply By: James H2 - Monday, Feb 12, 2018 at 17:50

Monday, Feb 12, 2018 at 17:50
Lol, she really got what she gave.
AnswerID: 616869

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