friday funnies

Submitted: Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 07:34
ThreadID: 136056 Views:2268 Replies:9 FollowUps:2
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• CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco
rolled in paper
with fire at one end
and a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement
wherein
a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her master

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students
without passing through the minds
of either

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
multiplied by the
number present

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
a cake in such a way that
everybody believes
he got the biggest piece

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on

ECSTASY:
A feeling when you feel
you are going to feel
a feeling
you have never felt before

CLASSIC:
A book
which people praise,
but never read

SMILE:
A curve
that can set
a lot of things straight!

OFFICE:
A place
where you can relax
after your strenuous
home life

YAWN:
The only time
when some married men
ever get to open
their mouth

EXPERIENCE:
The name
men give
to their
Mistakes

DIPLOMAT:
A person
who tells you
to go to hell
in such a way
that you actually look forward
to the trip

OPTIMIST:
A person
who while falling
from EIFFEL TOWER
says in midway
"SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

MISER:
A person
who lives poor
so that
he can die RICH!

FATHER:
A banker
provided by
nature

BOSS:
Someone
who is early
when you are late
and late
when you are early

POLITICIAN:
One who
shakes your hand
before elections
and your Confidence
Later

Have a great day Bushy.
There are times when its just you and the bird's.

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Reply By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 08:35

Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 08:35
Polygamy is having one wife to many.
Monogamy is the same thing.
Dave.
AnswerID: 615903

Reply By: Member - cruza25 - Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 11:29

Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 11:29
https://www.facebook.com/igotboggedatinskippoint/videos/1333769193395440/

Just listen to the guy taking the video
AnswerID: 615907

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 12:45

Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 12:45
A drunken man gets on the bus late one-night staggers up the aisle and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

"Authorities in Wisconsin are searching for the owner of a kangaroo after it was caught seen outside in the frigid weather. That's got to be frustrating for the kangaroo. Hopping around in freezing weather knowing you have a pocket but your hands are too short to put them in it."

The guys down at the barber shop asked me what Hollywood bombshell actress I'd like to be stuck in an elevator with. I thought for a minute and said, "Any one of 'em that knows how to fix elevators, I suppose."

A young man was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a street corner downtown when she said, "Excuse me, but if it's not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?"

Our good Samaritan replied, "Just a minute." He walked across the street looked back and yelled "Yes I can see you fine!"

I was at the customer-service desk returning a pair of jeans that was too tight.

"Was anything wrong with them?" the clerk asked.

"Yes" I said. "They hurt my feelings."

"Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own short-comings they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things not at all like the glaring defects in other people's characters."

Q: What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? A: Wet feet.

Q: What has a lot of keys but cannot open any doors? A: A piano.

Q: What do you call a pig that does karate? A: A pork chop.

Q: How do you make a hot dog stand? A: Steal its chair.

Q: What does a bankrupt frog say? A: Baroke, baroke, baroke.

Q: Why don't cannibals eat clowns? A: Because they taste funny.

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? A: Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
---------------------------------------------------
Not funny bit true

I had spent an hour in the bank with my dad, as he had to transfer some money. I couldn't resist myself and asked... ''Dad, why don't we activate your internet banking?'

''Why would I do that?'' he asked...

''Well, then you wont have to spend an hour here for things like transfer.You can even do your shopping online, everything will be so easy!”
I was so excited about initiating him into the world of Net banking.

He asked ''If I do that, I won’t have to step out of the house?

''Yes, yes''! I said, I told him how even grocery can be delivered at door now and how amazon delivers everything!

His answer left me tongue-tied, he said: ''Since I entered this bank today, I have met four of my friends, I have chatted a while with the staff who know me very well by now. You know I’m alone... this is the company that I need. I like to get ready and come to the bank, I have enough time and it is the *physical touch* that I crave. Two years back when I got sick, the store owner from whom I buy fruits, came to see me and sat by my bedside and cried. When your Mom fell down few years ago while on her morning walk, our local grocer saw her and immediately got his car to rush her home as he knows where I live. Would I have that 'human' touch if everything became online? Why would I want everything delivered to me and force me to interact with just my computer? I like to know the person that I'm dealing with and not just the 'seller'. It creates bonds and relationships. Does online deliver all this as well?

*Technology isn't Life ...
Spend time with People .. Not with Devices*

Living like a millionaire on the pension

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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 12:48

Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 12:48
Meanwhile in Australia.............










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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 13:07

Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 13:07








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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 13:16

Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 13:16
Malcolm Turnbull and Bill Shorten are sitting next to each other on a flight from Sydney to Canberra. Bill leans over to Malcolm and asks if he would like to play a fun game. Malcolm just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and turns towards the window to catch a few winks.

Shorten persists and says that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." Again, Turnbull politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

Shorten, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50."

This catches Malcolm's attention. He also knows from his experiences with Bill in Parliament that there will be no end to this torment unless he plays. So Malcolm agrees to the game.

Shorten asks the first question. "How much is the GST on a loaf of bread?" Malcolm doesn't say a word, reaches into his wallet, pulls out $5 and hands it to Bill.

Now, it's Malcolm's turn. He asks Bill, "What hops, carries its young in its pouch and flies?"

Shorten looks at Turnbull with a puzzled frown. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Commonwealth National Library. Frustrated, he sends emails to all his pals in the Labor Party and finally people in the Greens Party. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes up Turnbull and hands him $50. Malcolm politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.

Bill, who is more than a little miffed, wakes Malcolm again and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!" Without a word, Malcolm Turnbull reaches into his wallet, hands Bill Shorten $5, and goes back to sleep.
AnswerID: 615914

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 13:25

Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 13:25
This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.

Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered.The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared.Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin, and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity. At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. 'Mist all chucking frighty!!!' said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse overollocks,so slopped her dripper.

The very next day the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.'Who's fust jarted??' asked the prandsome hince. 'Blame that fugly ucker over there!!' said Mary Hinge. When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk. Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
AnswerID: 615917

Follow Up By: Nomadic Navara - Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 15:35

Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 15:35
Please include the attribution when you "borrow" someone elses work. That came from Ronny Barker.

Dialogue from Ronny Barker Sketch in the 1970's
PeterD
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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 14:49

Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 14:49
Has it come to this?

Guides

bill
AnswerID: 615918

Follow Up By: Member - ACD 1 - Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 19:00

Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 19:00
Oh Bill!!!!!!

I sat in angst over whether to open your post or not. Was I ready for yet another lecture?

I though it was going to be a huge list of the correct way to reference information sourced from other places.

My angst was increased 10 fold when you prefaced the link with "Has it come to this?" Added to my angst was the shortening of the title to "Guides"!

In future can you please follow the agreed intergalactic protocols when posting on the interweb.

They say "in comedy timing is everything" Yours was impeccable.

Now - off to change my shorts! I think I wet my pants laughing. (Just a little bit though).

Cheers

Anthony
VKS 3539
Work - a 40 hour interuption to my weekend!
Too many places - too little time

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Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 22:30

Friday, Jan 05, 2018 at 22:30
A nun met a Scotsman one day, and as he was sporting a kilt, curiosity got the better of her and she asked him what was under it.
"You'd better have a feel for yourself", he tells her, so she went ahead and delved in.
"Ugghh!!" she said, "It's gruesome!"
"Aye lass," he replied happily, "It just grew some more...!"
AnswerID: 615930

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