Fry-day Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Oct 05, 2018 at 09:22
ThreadID: 137314 Views:5912 Replies:7 FollowUps:6
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I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Dave woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY".
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead .

Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth

A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?' Granny replies,f**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?' Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.
But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8 am, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30 am.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.


Dunc
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Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Oct 05, 2018 at 09:23

Friday, Oct 05, 2018 at 09:23
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
> SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
>
> HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
> SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
>
> HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
> SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
>
> HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
> SHE: I must've been given your share.
>
> HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
> SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
>
> HE: Your face must turn a few heads
> SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs.
>
> HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
> SHE: Okay, get out.
>
> HE: I think I could make you very happy.
> SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
>
> HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
> SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
>
> HE: Can I have your name?
> SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
>
> HE: Shall we go see a movie?
> SHE: I've already seen it.
>
> HE: Where have you been all my life?
> SHE: Hiding from you.
>
> HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
> SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
>
> HE: Is this seat empty?
> SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
>
> HE: So, what do you do for a living?
> SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
>
> HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
> SHE: Do not enter.
>
> HE: Your body is like a temple.
> SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
>
> HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
> SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
>
> HE: Where have you been all my life?
> SHE: Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.
Dunc
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AnswerID: 621457

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Oct 05, 2018 at 09:24

Friday, Oct 05, 2018 at 09:24
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying . . ."Greetings, Earthling . . . we come in peace . . . . Take us to your leader"
The gas pump of course didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, “I’d calm down if I was you"
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting, again there was no response . . .
Miffed at the pumps haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly "Greeting Earthling . . . We come in peace . . . Take us to your leader or I will fire"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don't want to do that, I think it will make him mad"
"Rubbish", replied the cocky young alien
He aimed his weapon and opened fire . . . . There was a huge explosion.
A massive fire-ball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt smoking mass about 200 yards away into a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed . . . .
When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big green head . . . .
"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young fried alien . . ."He damn near killed me!" "How did you know he was so dangerous?"
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied . . ."If there is one thing I've Learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his manhood over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear
Dunc
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AnswerID: 621458

Reply By: Gerard S - Friday, Oct 05, 2018 at 10:59

Friday, Oct 05, 2018 at 10:59
AnswerID: 621459

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Oct 05, 2018 at 12:47

Friday, Oct 05, 2018 at 12:47
Don't you just love upset Collingwood supporters!

Petition
AnswerID: 621460

Follow Up By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Oct 05, 2018 at 14:33

Friday, Oct 05, 2018 at 14:33
Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play aussie rules, is suitably impressed, and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood. He's signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season.
Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with only 10 minutes left.
The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the magpies!
The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star.
When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL.
'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media...
'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.'
The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'
'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!'
Dunc
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4
FollowupID: 893974

Follow Up By: Ron N - Friday, Oct 05, 2018 at 23:22

Friday, Oct 05, 2018 at 23:22
Answer on your honour and dignity as a life-long AFL supporter - what would you do, in the following circumstances?

This test only has one question, and only one answer - but it's a very important question.

Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to make a decision one way or the other.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and consider each line - this is important for the test to work accurately.

You're in Victoria, just outside of Seymour, to be exact ...There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a cyclonic event and the associated extreme floods.

You are a Herald Sun photographer, and you're in the middle of this great disaster.

You're trying to shoot very impressive photos. Nature is showing all its destructive power, and the floodwaters are ripping everything away.

Suddenly you see a man in the water, he is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken away by the masses of water and mud.

You move closer. Somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is - it's Nathan Buckley!!
At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever.

You have two options. You can save him - or you can take the best photo of your life.
So you can save the life of Nathan, or you can shoot a World Press award-winning photo - a unique photo displaying the death of one of Australia's most prominent football Captains.

Now here's the question (please give an honest answer):

Would you select colour film? - or would you rather go with the simplicity of classic black and white?

Answer - Colour of course! - Nothing that's black and white, ever wins anything!
2
FollowupID: 893977

Follow Up By: mountainman - Saturday, Oct 06, 2018 at 21:05

Saturday, Oct 06, 2018 at 21:05
Put $ 700 on WCE to win grand final
Cleaned up $ 1585

I hate Collingwood
Soo good to make money !!
2
FollowupID: 893979

Follow Up By: Julio C - Saturday, Oct 06, 2018 at 22:08

Saturday, Oct 06, 2018 at 22:08
Really ??????

Grow up............
0
FollowupID: 893981

Follow Up By: mountainman - Sunday, Oct 07, 2018 at 00:19

Sunday, Oct 07, 2018 at 00:19
Oh my god
What a reply..
You do realise this is a funny thread
It actually happens weekly.

I dont see any thread content in here to be serious

Take a chill pill
Some people are soo over the top

Poor forum !

Arm chair critics
Grumpy old men
People who are uptight

No wonder this site isnt as good as a few years back
4
FollowupID: 893982

Follow Up By: Julio C - Sunday, Oct 07, 2018 at 19:11

Sunday, Oct 07, 2018 at 19:11
you forgot to mention keyboard heroes
1
FollowupID: 893985

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Oct 05, 2018 at 12:55

Friday, Oct 05, 2018 at 12:55
'Hello, is this the police?'
'Yes it is. How can we help you?'
'I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding Cocaine inside his firewood!'
'Thank you very much for the call.'
The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great numbers.
They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no cocaine.
They swear at Wazza and leave.
The phone rings at Wazza's house. 'Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?'
'Yeah!'
'Did they chop up your firewood?'
'Yep.'
'Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate
AnswerID: 621461

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Oct 05, 2018 at 12:59

Friday, Oct 05, 2018 at 12:59
Tree hugging

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree. Seeing this he inquired, 'Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?'
'I'm listening to the music of the tree,' the other man replied.

'You've gotta be kiddin' me.'

'No, would you like to give it a try?'

Understandably curious, the man says, 'Well, OK...' So he wrapped his arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed to the tree stark naked, and asked, 'What the heck happened to you?'
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there.

When he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy, walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said, 'This just ain't gonna be your day, cupcake...'
AnswerID: 621462

Reply By: Nomadic Navara - Friday, Oct 05, 2018 at 16:26

Friday, Oct 05, 2018 at 16:26
PeterD
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AnswerID: 621463

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