Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Nov 29, 2019 at 16:11
ThreadID: 139369 Views:1807 Replies:6 FollowUps:0
FIRST GRADE TRUE STORY
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class.
She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

She read, "... and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow ful lof straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'

"The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I know, ma'am ... he would have said - 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

bill
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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Nov 29, 2019 at 16:16

Friday, Nov 29, 2019 at 16:16
Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped and returned to the gate.
After waiting about an hour, it finally took off. A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant what had happened. "

The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," said the attendant.
"It took us an hour to find another pilot!"
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A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing only underwear made of GladWrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well ... I can clearly see your nuts."
==========

Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday. The sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
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The young couple invited their aged parson for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having."
Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"
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An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of religious service when she was startled by an intruder.
As she caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables, she yelled, "Stop - Acts 2:38!" (..turn from your sin...).
The burglar stopped dead in his tracks.
The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there?

All she did was yell a Scripture to you."

"Scripture?" cried the man, "I thought she said she had an AXE and two 38's."

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EMANCIPATION IN KUWAIT

Barbara Walters did a story on gender roles in Kuwait several years before the Gulf War. She noted then that women customarily walked about 10 feet behind their husbands.

She returned to Kuwait recently and observed that the men now walked several yards behind their wives. Ms. Walters approached one of the women and said,"This is marvellous. Can you tell the Western world just what enabled women here to achieve this reversal of roles?"

"Land mines," said the Kuwaiti woman.

bill
AnswerID: 628850

Reply By: rumpig - Friday, Nov 29, 2019 at 18:33

Friday, Nov 29, 2019 at 18:33
Four retired truck drivers are walking down a street in Roma
They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timer's Bar - all drinks 10 cents"!

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, 'Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?'

There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini.. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced Martinis…….. shaken, not stirred, and says, 'That'll be 10 cents each, please.'

The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other……..they can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their Martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent Martinis are produced and the bartender again saying, 'That's 40 cents, please..’

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.

They have each had two Martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, 'How can you afford to serve Martinis as good as these for a 10 cents each?'

'I'm a retired tailor from Sydney,' the bartender said, 'and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs ten cents - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same.'

Wow!!!! That's quite a story,' says one of the men.

The four of them sipped at their Martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, 'What's with them?'

The bartender says, 'Oh, they're all grey nomads from the free camp down the road, waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.'

AnswerID: 628852

Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Nov 29, 2019 at 18:37

Friday, Nov 29, 2019 at 18:37
A pessimist just sees a dark scary tunnel
.
.
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An optimist sees a light at the end of the tunnel.
.
.
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A realist sees a freight train coming
.
.
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The train driver sees three efwits standing on the track.!
AnswerID: 628853

Reply By: Member - DickyBeach - Friday, Nov 29, 2019 at 20:23

Friday, Nov 29, 2019 at 20:23
AnswerID: 628855

Reply By: Life Member-Doug T NSW - Friday, Nov 29, 2019 at 21:54

Friday, Nov 29, 2019 at 21:54
Hmmm Is this clear
still going strong with 836,179 K's

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AnswerID: 628858

Reply By: The Explorer - Saturday, Nov 30, 2019 at 17:36

Saturday, Nov 30, 2019 at 17:36
Paddy asks, "Mick, how did you get on at the faith healer meeting last night"


Mick replies, "He was absolute rubbish."


"Even the fella in the wheelchair got up and walked out !"
To penetrate this great unknown it would be necessary to first pass over the inhospitable regions described by Wells, Forrest & Giles - Carnegie 1896

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AnswerID: 628885

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