Friday's for silly stories

Submitted: Friday, Sep 06, 2019 at 11:19
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The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment had been to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $ 30" she said proudly,
" My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success. "
"Very good" said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, I explained to everyone that the magazines would keep them up to date on current affairs. I sold heaps and I made $ 45.
"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath.
Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$ 2,467" he said. "$ 2,467!" cried the teacher. "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes" said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes !?" echoed the teacher .
"How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample. "They all said the same thing", 'Hey, this tastes like dog shit!' " Then I would say, "It is dog shit ..... wanna buy a toothbrush?"
" I used the POLITICIANS method - giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.


Golden Syrup

A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a
Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden
leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is
offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he
Receives another parcel and note

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part. The man
is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong
letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse
and go as a toffee apple.


Aussie magician

An Aussie and a Maori walk into a bakery.

The Maori steals three pastries from the counter and puts them in his pockets.

He turns to the Aussie and says, "Prutty sluck he bro ? The owner dudn't even see me."

Unimpressed, the Aussie replies, "Typical dishonest bloody Kiwi. Mate, I will

Show you the honest way to get the same result."

The Aussie calls the owner of the shop over and says, "Mate, I want to show you a magic trick."

The shop owner is intrigued.

The Aussie asks him for a pastry and promptly eats it, he then asks him for another and he eats it, he
Asks for a third pastry and scoffs it too.

By now, the owner is somewhat annoyed and says, " C'mon mate, what's the magic?"

The Aussie points to the Kiwi, "Check his pockets!"


Irish Lubricant

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.

'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!

'Ain't dat grand, !!'

Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,

'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said,

'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting,

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,

'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said,

'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor,

'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'

The doctor said,

'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during

Murphy said,

'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down
With his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to
Use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'

Murph said,

'I'll tell you,'s a freaking' good ting we didn't use WD-40.


Arriving home, a husband was met by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained,

"The Chemist. He insulted me this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

The husband drove down to confront the Chemist to demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the Chemist said "Now, just a minute mate . . . . hear my side of it.

This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late.

Without breakfast I hurried out to the car to realise I'd locked the house with the house and car keys inside. I Had to break a window to get my keys.

Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket,

Then about three streets from the store, I had a flat tyre.

When I finally got to the store, a crowd of people were waiting for me to open up.

I started waiting on these people, all the time the damn phone never stopped ringing.

Then I had to break open a bag of one and two dollar coins against the cash register drawer to give change and they spilled all over the floor.

I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the dollar coins and the phone was still ringing.

When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer which made me stagger back against a showcase with bottles of expensive perfumes on it.

Half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up.

And I finally got to answer it.

It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mate, as God is my witness . . . . . all I did was tell her!”

Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Sep 06, 2019 at 11:40

Friday, Sep 06, 2019 at 11:40
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.

The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied,'$165,000. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.The elderly woman replied that she made bets.

The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?'

The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.'

The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'

'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square..'

'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.

The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly.

The president was happy to oblige.

The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'

The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'
AnswerID: 627588

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Sep 06, 2019 at 11:46

Friday, Sep 06, 2019 at 11:46
Little Sameer, who was Hindu, was failing in maths.

His parents tried everything. Tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centres, but nothing helped.

As a last resort, someone told them to try a Catholic School. "Those nuns are tough" they said.

Sameer was soon enrolled at St Mary's. After school on the very first day Sameer ran through the door and straight to his room, without even kissing his mother hello. He started studying furiously, books and papers spread all over his room. Right after dinner, he ran upstairs without mentioning TV and hit the books harder than before. His parents were amazed. This behaviour continued for weeks, until report card day arrived. Sameer quietly laid the envelope on the table and went to his room. With great trepidation, his mother opened the report. Sameer has gotten an 'A' in maths!

She ran upto his room, threw her arms around him and asked, "Sameer, how did this happen? Was it the nuns?".

"No" said Sameer. "On the first day of school when I saw that man nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around".
AnswerID: 627589

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Sep 06, 2019 at 16:26

Friday, Sep 06, 2019 at 16:26
If you are first poster, would make the first joke a short we don't have to scroll through so far to post a new one?

Just a thought....


A Presbyterian, a Methodist, and a Baptist pastor and their wives were
on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all
drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.
came the Presbyterian and his wife. St. Peter shook his head. "I can't
let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even
married a woman named Penny."
Then came the Methodist. "Sorry, can't
let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much,
you even married a woman named Candy!"
The Baptist turned to his wife and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Fanny.


After a long illness, a woman died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven.
While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through
the Gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were
her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died
before her.
They saw her and began calling greetings to her --
"Hello" "How are you! We've been waiting for you!" "Good to see you."
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a
wonderful place! How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?", the woman asked.
"The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
two years later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch
the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the
Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"
I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I
married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were
ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived
in and bought a big mansion. My wife and I traveled all around the
world. "We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the
ski hit my head, and here I am. "How do I get in?"
"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.
"Which word?", her husband asked.

Bill B

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AnswerID: 627597

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Sep 06, 2019 at 16:27

Friday, Sep 06, 2019 at 16:27
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam
stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset. "You're running
around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable,"
Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth." The quarrel continued
until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in
the chest.
It was Eve. "What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

Bill B

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AnswerID: 627598

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Sep 06, 2019 at 16:33

Friday, Sep 06, 2019 at 16:33

Bill B

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AnswerID: 627599

Reply By: Member - Outback Gazz - Friday, Sep 06, 2019 at 17:00

Friday, Sep 06, 2019 at 17:00
A wise man to his son

My boy ! "When you accumulate the understanding why pizza is made round, to be put in a square box and is eaten in triangles, then my son, you will be able to understand women ! "
AnswerID: 627600

Reply By: Member - johnat - Friday, Sep 06, 2019 at 17:26

Friday, Sep 06, 2019 at 17:26
An 80-year-old man is being examined by his doctor.

“Do you and your wife still, ummm how do I say it? You know, still do the naughty? “ the doctor asks.

“Almost every day,” the old man answers.

“Can you be specific?” the doctor says.

“Yes,” says the old man. “Almost on Monday. Almost on Tuesday. Almost on Wednesday…”
AnswerID: 627601

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