Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 06:05
ThreadID: 137448 Views:2507 Replies:17 FollowUps:3
This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade...

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done.

Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 06:06

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 06:06
A professor travels to Africa to live with a primitive tribe and spends years with them, teaching them all about the wonders of science and mathematics. He makes friends with the tribes Chief and his wife, and they all live happily for some time. One day, the Chief's wife gives birth to ... a white child!

The word spreads and the entire tribe is in shock. The chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look, you're the only white man we've ever seen around here, and my wife just gave birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"

The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
AnswerID: 622032

Reply By: Member - John and Val - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 08:01

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 08:01
Test Your Brain




ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST


Count every " F " in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...
(SEE BELOW)




HOW MANY ?











WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !

Really, go Back and Try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.


The reasoning behind is further down.








The brain cannot process "OF".




Incredible or what? Go back and look again!!



Anyone who counts all 6 "F's" on the first go is a genius.



Three is normal, four is quite rare.

Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy.!
And keep them occupied
For several minutes..!

J and V
"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."
- Albert Einstein

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AnswerID: 622033

Reply By: Member - torro - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 08:27

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 08:27
Aussie Bush Etiquette is recognized throughout the civilized world but we all need to be reminded from time to time.
In General:

1. Never take an open stubby to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your paddocks before shooting at them.

3. It's tacky to take an Esky to church.

4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.

5. Even if you're certain you're included in the will, it's rude to take your ute and trailer to the funeral.

Eating Out:

1. When decanting wine from the box, tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to bruise the wine.

2. If drinking directly from the bottle, hold it with only one hand.

Entertaining at Home:

1. A centrepiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.

2. Don't allow the dog to eat at the table, no matter how good his manners.

Personal Hygiene:

1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this should be done in private, using one's OWN ute keys.

2. Even if you live alone, deodorant isn't a waste of money.

3. Extensive use of deodorant can only delay bathing by a few days.

4. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a no-no, it alters the taste of finger foods and if you are a woman it can draw attention away from your jewellery.

Theatre/Cinema Etiquette:

1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up after the movie ends.

2. Refrain from yelling abuse at characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can't hear you.

Weddings:

1. Livestock is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

2. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A tracksuit with a cummerbund and a clean football jumper can create a tacky appearance.

3. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for the occasion.

Driving Etiquette:

1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if your gun's loaded and the roo's in your rifle sight.

2. When entering a roundabout, the vehicle with the largest roo bar doesn't always have the right of way.

3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.

4. When sending your wife down the road with a petrol can, it's impolite to ask her to bring back beer too.
AnswerID: 622034

Reply By: OBJ - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 08:49

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 08:49
Recently, a group of bikers were out riding when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge over the river. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the police who were trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railing?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the police, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
AnswerID: 622035

Reply By: OBJ - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 08:53

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 08:53
AnswerID: 622036

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 08:55

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 08:55
Murphy's Toast:

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor. It lands butter-side-up. He looks at what he has done in astonishment, for he knows
it's a law of nature that buttered toast always falls butter-down. He rushes round to the presbytery to fetch the priest. He tells the priest
that he thinks a miracle has happened round at his flat.

He won't say what it is but wants Fr Flannagan to see it with his own eyes.
He brings Fr Flannagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well, says the priest, it's pretty obvious what we have here. Someone dropped some buttered toast, and then for some reason flipped it over so that the butter was on top.

No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that.

Well, Fr Flannagan says, it's certainly a natural law of the universe that dropped toast never falls butter side up. But its not for me to say its a
miracle. I'll report the matter to the bishop, and have him send people round, to interview you, take photos, etc.

"An investigation of some rigour is conducted, not only by priests of the archdiocese, but by scientists sent from the Curia in Rome.

The final ruling is a negative, however. It reads:"

"It was certainly an extraordinary event that occurred in Murphy's room, quite outside the normal run of the phenomena. Yet we have to be very
cautious before ruling any happening miraculous,
ruling out all possible natural explanations. In this case we declared no miracle. For it was possibly the result of Murphy buttering the toast on the wrong side.

(This still happens these days and people are gainfully employed making decisions like this!)

bill
AnswerID: 622037

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 08:56

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 08:56
Old Man Scam:

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots,
etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men.

A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Aldi, Coles, or even K-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise.
Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two nice-looking, college-aged girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the
other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Feb. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, 24th, & 29th. Also Mar. 1st & 4th, twice on the 7th, and very likely
again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men.
Warn your friends to be vigilant.

K-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the dollar store and bought them out in three of their stores.

Also, you never get to eat at McDonald's. I've already lost 11 kg just running back and forth from Lowe's, to Aldi, to Coles, Etc.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

bill
AnswerID: 622038

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 10:13

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 10:13
I found a stray parrot on my porch this morning.
All he says is, "good morning you old fart.".......



Is he yours?
AnswerID: 622039

Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 10:15

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 10:15
AnswerID: 622040

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 10:31

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 10:31
Condom factory burns down in New Zealand :


Jacinda Ardern, Prime Minister of New Zulland, is awoken at 4 a.m by telephone.
"Jacinda, its the Hilth Munister here. Sorry to bother you at this hour but there is an emergincy !!

I've jist received word thet the Durex factory en Aucklind hes burned to the ground.

It is istimated that the entire New Zulland supply of condoms will be gone by the ind of the week.

PM: "Shut !!

The economy wull niver be able to cope with all those unwanted babies.
W'ill be ruined.”

Hilth Munister: "We're going to hef to shup some in from Brutain ?"

PM: "No chence. The Poms will have a field day on thus one.’’

Hilth Munister: "What about Australia ?"


PM: "I'll call Sco Mo. Tell him we need one million condoms, ten enches long and eight enches thuck.

That way they'll continue to respect the 'All Blacks'."

Three days later, a delighted Hillen rushes out to open the boxes that arrived at the Pist Office.
She finds one million condoms –

10 enches long, 8 enches thuck, all coloured green and gold with small writing on each one.

"MADE IN AUSTRALIA - SIZE: MEDIUM"

Ozzie Ozzie Ozzie, Oi Oi Oi.

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AnswerID: 622041

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 10:32

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 10:32
A teacher's story about Stuttering
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.


"Well," she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start
and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard !'
'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.
'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF,"
but before she could say 'F...-off !,' the Rottweiler ate her!
The teacher had to leave the room.
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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 10:34

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 10:34
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember its God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted .

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years unless you give them your email address.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do here, today, may be a burning issue somewhere else, tomorrow.

Please share this wisdom with others while I go to the bathroom....
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Reply By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 11:43

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 11:43
A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for an extraction. "$85 for an extraction sir" was the dentists reply. "Och huv ye nay got unythin cheaper", replies the Scotsman getting agitated. "But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir", said the dentist. "What aboot if ye didnae use uny anaesthetic?", asked the Scotsman hopefully, "Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70", said the dentist. "Hmmmm, what aboot if ye used one of ye dentist trainees and still wi' oot anaesthetic", said the Scotsman, "Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful, but I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40", said the dentist, "Och that's still a bit much, how ab oot if ye make it a training session and have yon student do the extraction and the other students watchin and learnin", said the Scotsman hopefully. "Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only $5 in that case", said the dentist. "Wonderful, it's a deal" said the Scotsman..."Can ye book the wife in for next Tuesday"

...........,,,,,,,,,,,..............

Story of Adam & Eve's Dog
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve
And it was a good animal and God was pleased.
And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'
And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.

And the Cat . . .didn't give a shit one way or the other…….

.........,,,,,,,,.........

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck. Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.



After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.



After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.



One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle -- a perfect night for romance.



As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.



But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.



After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.



A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Hillary Clinton.



That evening, the man brought Hillary to the evening beach ritual.



It was another beautiful evening -- red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze -- perfect for a night of romance.



Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to



Hillary and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Hillary batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.



He said, “Take the dog for a walk.”







Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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AnswerID: 622044

Follow Up By: RMD - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 12:02

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 12:02
Tony
If it is the same Scotsman you posted as last week, if so, then he must have ALZHEIMERS, or the denstist had problems with the extraction or the Scotman has two wives. Unsure on this!
2
FollowupID: 894669

Follow Up By: jbhorne@bigpond.com - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 13:24

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 13:24
RMD
Perhaps you can post some that we have not read before.
Jeff
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FollowupID: 894670

Follow Up By: Member - Tony H (touring oz) - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 16:39

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 16:39
Bill Shorten was asleep and dreamt he was visited by Menzies' ghost.

He said, "Bob, how can I make this country a better place?"

Sir Robert said, "Love the Japanese steel producers as I did."

Shorten went back to sleep and dreamed of John Howard.

He asked in his sleep, "John, how can I make this country a better place?"

John answered, "Be honest with the people as I was."

Again Shorten fell asleep and was visited by Harold Holt's ghost.

"Harold, how can I make this country a better place?"

Harold replied, "Go for a swim!"

Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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Reply By: ExplorOz Team - Michelle - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 12:50

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 12:50
Michelle Martin
Customer Support - ExplorOz & ExplorOz Traveller

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AnswerID: 622045

Reply By: ExplorOz Team - Michelle - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 15:53

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 15:53
Michelle Martin
Customer Support - ExplorOz & ExplorOz Traveller

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Reply By: ExplorOz Team - Michelle - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 16:02

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 16:02
Michelle Martin
Customer Support - ExplorOz & ExplorOz Traveller

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Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 20:27

Friday, Nov 09, 2018 at 20:27




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