Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 00:46
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Love this DOCTOR!!

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.



Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products



Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!



Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.



Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!



Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: You're not listening.... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?



Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable. It's the best feel-good food around!!



Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.



Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!!


Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming, 'WOO HOO


OLD FELLA LOGIC

An elderly gent was invited to an old friends' home for dinner one evening.

He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc.

The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.

While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.'

The old man hung his head. 'I have to tell you the truth,' he said, 'Her name slipped my mind about 10 years ago and I'm scared to death to ask her what it is!'



have a great day Bushy.
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Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 06:12

Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 06:12
The Box Under the Bed

When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I put a box under the bed. Promise me you will never look in it."all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.

On the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In it were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why there was such a box and with those contents.

That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed,saying, "I'm so sorry, Bill. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again." Hillary was shocked, but thought, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and Monica. And since I know hes addicted to sex, three times is not too bad. She said, OK Bill, I guess I can forgive you. Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and made their peace.

A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?" He answered, "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center."
AnswerID: 617432

Reply By: Malcom M - Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 06:13

Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 06:13
A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq is moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune...........

"One Aussie Soldier is better than ten Isis fighters".

The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the sand dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out...........

"One Aussie Soldier is better than one hundred Isis 'S.O.B.'s'".

Furious, the Isis commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of very fierce battle, again silence.

The voice calls out again:

"One Aussie Soldier is better than a thousand Isis fighters."

The enraged Isis commander musters 1,000 fighters and sends them to the other side of the sand dune. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought......... then silence.

Eventually, one badly wounded Isis fighter crawls back over the sand dune and with his dying words tells his commander,

"Don't send any more men... it's a trap. There are two of them."
AnswerID: 617433

Reply By: OBJ - Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 07:04

Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 07:04
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough.”

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s cheque book !!”

A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called, ’Husband – the Master of the House?’"
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?"
Old man: “I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.”

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper – so I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day!

Husband to wife – “Today is a fine day."
Next day he says: “Today is a fine day.”
Again, next day, he says same thing – “Today is a fine day."
Finally, after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband –
“Since last week, you have been saying 'Today is a fine day.'" I am fed up. What’s the matter?”
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said,
“I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you ……..”
AnswerID: 617434

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 08:10

Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 08:10
Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.
....................................................................................................................................
The Zastava Koral also marketed as the Yugo was a front-engine, front-wheel drive, three-door hatchback supermini manufactured by Zastava Automobiles, at the time a Yugoslavian corporation.

A guy driving a Yugo pulls up at a traffic light next to a Rolls-Royce.
The driver of the Yugo rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You’ve got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got one in my Yugo!”
The driver of Rolls looks over and says simply, “Yes I have a phone.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Cool! Hey, you got a fridge in there, too?
I’ve got a fridge in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking annoyed, says, “Yes, I have a refrigerator.”
The driver of the Yugo says, “That’s great, man! Hey, you got a TV in there, too? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”
The driver of the Rolls, looking very annoyed by now, says, “Of course I have a television. A Rolls-Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”
The driver of the Yugo says, “Very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there too? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”
Upset that he does not have a bed, the driver of the Rolls-Royce speeds away, and goes straight to the dealer, where he promptly orders that a bed be installed in the back of his car.
The next morning, the driver of the Rolls picks up the car, and the bed looks superb, with satin sheets and a brass trim.
It is clearly a bed fit for a Rolls.
So the driver of the Rolls begins searching for the Yugo, and he drives all day.
Finally, late at night, he finds the Yugo parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.
The driver of the Rolls gets out and knocks on the Yugo.
When there isn’t any answer, he knocks and knocks, and eventually the owner sticks his head out, soaking wet.
“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls states arrogantly.
The driver of the Yugo looks at him and says, “You got me out of the shower to tell me THAT?!?!”

bill
AnswerID: 617436

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 10:26

Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 10:26


Men are like linoleum floors. Lay 'em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.

The only reason they say “Women and children first” is to test the strength of the lifeboats.

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.

Kill one man and you're a murderer, kill a million and you're a conqueror.

Having more money doesn't make you happier.
I have 50 million dollars, but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million

We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.

In hotel rooms, I worry. I can't be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked.

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.

I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very sceptical.

Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap.

Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.

If God had intended us to fly, he would have made it easier to get to the airport.

I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.

As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind:every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. Dammit,I'm a billionaire.

After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 617438

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 10:38

Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 10:38










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Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 10:43

Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 10:43
A little Irish boy about 12 years old is walking down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on the door.

When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted.

He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it."

The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, "Do any of the girls have any diseases?"

Of course the Madam said "No".

The boy said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber THAT'S the girl I want."

Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.

He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.

Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.

The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease instead of one of the others?"

He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with the baby-sitter.
After they leave, my baby-sitter will make me root her because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys.
She will then get the disease that I just caught.
When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the babysitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the babysitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.
In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the Prick I’m after: he ran over my "@#!$%&$ FROG"
Dunc
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Follow Up By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 21:43

Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 21:43
An oldie but a goody 10 stars
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Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 10:45

Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 10:45
The nurse asked a patient to remove his clothing and put on a gown to be checked
by the doctor.
>
> "In front of you?" He asks shyly.
>
> The nurse says: "Well no, but I've seen the naked human body before. The man said,
"Not one like mine. You'd die laughing at my naked body."
>
> "Of course I won't laugh," said the Nurse to the patient, "I'm a professional. In
over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.”
>
> "Okay then," said the patient, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing
a huge male body with the smallest adult male organ the Nurse had ever seen in
her life. In length and girth it was almost identical to an AAA battery.
>
Unable to control herself, the Nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
>
> And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing. Feeling very
badly that she had laughed at the man's private parts, she composed herself as
well as she could.
>
> "I am so sorry," she said, "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a Nurse
and a lady, I promise that it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be
the problem?"
>
> "It's swollen," Bob replied.
>
> She ran out of the room.
Dunc
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AnswerID: 617441

Reply By: Life Member - Duncan W (WA) - Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 10:46

Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 10:46
> Two little old ladies, Connie and Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the
local town hall where a flower show was in progress.
>
> The short one, Connie, leaned over and said: “Life is so boring. We never have any
fun anymore. For $10, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid,
boring flower show!”
>
> “You're on!” said Evelyn, holding up a $10 bill.
>
> So Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes. She grabbed a dried flower
from a nearby display and held it between her teeth. Then, completely naked,
streaked through the front door.
>
> Her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause
and shrill whistling. Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door
surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.
>
> “What happened?” asked Evelyn.
>
> “I won $1,000 as first prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'...”
Dunc
Make sure you give back more than you take

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AnswerID: 617442

Reply By: Graham G4 - Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 13:47

Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 13:47
AnswerID: 617445

Follow Up By: Member - David M (SA) - Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 13:55

Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 13:55
Gutsy Stuff. :)
Dave.
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FollowupID: 889111

Reply By: Member - bill j (VIC) - Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 21:46

Friday, Mar 09, 2018 at 21:46
Another oldie

An old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.

He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.

He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks,

'How am I doing??'

The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots '

'Three knots?' he asks. ’What’s that supposed to mean??'

She says,

"You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back".
Living like a millionaire on the pension

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AnswerID: 617461

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