Friday Funnies

Submitted: Friday, Oct 13, 2017 at 09:04
ThreadID: 135738 Views:1764 Replies:6 FollowUps:0
An 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks, 'how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Jino , 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'

'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?

"Who said he was dead?"

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says Jino. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'

'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nonno's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'

'He's 118 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to?


.....-----.......



The Australian Broadcasting Corporation





MEDIA RELEASE

In response to a number of complaints that there are not enough Lebanese Muslims, Indigenous and Asian peoples appearing on TV,
ABC Television have decided that in future,
'Crimestoppers'
will be shown TWICE weekly.


.......-------.......







IRISH HUNTING TRIP




Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.


They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.


The two lads objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."


Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off however, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn't possibly handle the load and went down.


Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.


After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where we are?"

Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."


.......------........


Insanity doesnt run in my family.... it gallops!

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Reply By: Member Bushy 04(VIC) - Friday, Oct 13, 2017 at 09:13

Friday, Oct 13, 2017 at 09:13
DIDN'T BELIEVE THESE LAWS AT FIRST, BUT HAVE FOUND THEM TO BE TRUE FROM ACTUAL EXPERIENCE.
??Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

??Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.

?? Law of Probability- The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

??Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5.Supermarket Law - As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.

??Variation Law -If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.




??Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

?? Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

?? Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will.

??? Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

???? Law of the Theater & Hockey Arena - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

??? The Coffee Law - As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

??? Murphy's Law of Lockers - If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

??? Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jam sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

???Law of Logical Argument-Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about.

??? Brown's Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

???Oliver's Law of Public Speaking- A closed mouth gathers no feet.

???Wilson's Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

??? Doctors' Law- If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you'll feel better... But don't make an appointment, and you'll stay sick. This has been proven over and over with taking children to the pediatrician.



have a great day Bushy.
There are times when its just you and the bird's.

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Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Oct 13, 2017 at 09:29

Friday, Oct 13, 2017 at 09:29
Subject: Fifty Sheds Of Grey......

1. The novel "Fifty Shades Of Grey" has seduced women - and baffled blokes.
Now, 'Fifty Sheds of Grey', offers a treat for the men. The book has author
Colin Grey recounting his love encounters at the bottom of the garden. Here
are some extracts...

Fifty Sheds Of Grey
We tried various positions - round the back, on the side, up against a
wall...
but in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the
only place for a good shed.

She stood before me, trembling in my shed.
"I'm yours for the night," she gasped, "You can do whatever you want with
me."
So I took her to Bunning's.

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then
harder until finally it came.
I moaned with pleasure. Now for the other boot.

Ever since she read THAT book, I've had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains
and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

"Put on this rubber suit and mask," I instructed, calmly.
"Mmmm, kinky!" she purred.
"Yes," I said, "You can't be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed
roof."

"I'm a very naughty girl," she said, biting her lip. "I need to be
punished."
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

"Harder!" she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. "Harder!"
"Okay," I said. "What's the gross national product of Nicaragua?"

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

"Are you sure you can take the pain?" she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
"I think so," I gulped. "Here we go, then," she said, and showed me the
receipt.

"Hurt me!" she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
"Very well," I replied. "You've got fat ankles and no dress sense."

"Are you sure you want this?" I asked. "When I'm done, you won't be able to
sit down for weeks."
She nodded.
"Okay," I said, putting the three-piece suite on eBay.

"Punish me!" she cried. "Make me suffer like only a real man can!"
"Very well," I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.

"I can give you both unbelievable pain and immeasurable pleasure", she
said, as she put on a Justin Bieber CD and started rubbing my back.

bill
AnswerID: 614301

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Oct 13, 2017 at 09:47

Friday, Oct 13, 2017 at 09:47
Gynecologist's Assistant......

A man went to Macquarie Street in Sydney having seen an ad for a Gynaecologist's Assistant. Naturally interested, he went in and asked the clerk for details.

The clerk pulled up the file and read;

"The job entails getting the ladies ready for the gynaecologist. "

"You have to help the women out of their underwear, lay them down andcarefully wash their private regions, then apply shaving foam and gently shave off their pubic hair, then rub in soothing oils so they're ready for the gynaecologist's examination."

"The annual salary is $65,000, and if you're interested you'll have to go to Newcastle "

" My God, is that where the job is?" asked the man.

She answered:

"No, that's where the end of the queue is."

bill
AnswerID: 614302

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Oct 13, 2017 at 17:18

Friday, Oct 13, 2017 at 17:18
New Bull On The Farm:

I recently spent $2500 on a young Black Angus bull. I put him out with the
herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.
I was beginning to suspect he was gay, if that's possible with a bull. Anyhow, I had the vet come have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

Holy Cr*p. The bull started to service the cows within two days. All of my
cows! He even broke through the fence and bred all my neighbor's cows! He's
been breeding just about everything in sight. He's like a machine!"

I don't know what the heck was in the pills the vet gave him, but they
taste kinda like peppermint.

bill
AnswerID: 614314

Reply By: Member - Blue M - Saturday, Oct 14, 2017 at 00:58

Saturday, Oct 14, 2017 at 00:58
A foursome of guys was waiting at the men's tee while a foursome of women was hitting from the women's tee.
The ladies were not rushing and were taking their time
When the final lady was ready to hit her ball, she hacked it ten feet.
Then she went over and whiffed it completely.
Then she hacked it another ten feet and finally hacked it another five feet.
She looked up at the patiently waiting men and said apologetically,
“I guess all those f@%cking lessons I took over the winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately responded,

"Well, there you have it. You should have taken golf lessons instead!”
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------

IS SEX WORK?

An Infantry Major was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, the Major decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Captain chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Lieutenant said it was 50-50%.
A 2nd Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Major turned to the Private who was in charge of making the coffee.
What was his opinion?
Without any hesitation, the young Private responded, "Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Major was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."

The room fell silent.
God Bless the lower ranks.
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife.
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,
but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she
decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about
ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job,
and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the
rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was
told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said,
"If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

(P.S. - I didn't see it coming either)
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------

Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.'

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.'

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.'

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.'

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?'

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.'
AnswerID: 614318

Reply By: Member - Scott & Sally - Saturday, Oct 14, 2017 at 02:17

Saturday, Oct 14, 2017 at 02:17
People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones, but people in Abu Dhabi do !
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