friday funnies

Submitted: Friday, Apr 21, 2017 at 09:04
ThreadID: 134696 Views:1465 Replies:7 FollowUps:0
For 4x4 drivers
Another Government Study Provides outstanding Results

CSIRO Officials admitted that they found about 200 dead crows on the highway between Noonamah and Palmerston, in Northern Territory, where there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
The Territory Government approved and the CSIRO contracted a bird pathologist to examine the remains of all the crows and he confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu, much to everyone’s relief.

However, he determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, and only 2% were killed by car impact. (Didn't know there was a difference!)
The Territory Government then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine the disproportionate percentages for truck versus car kills.
After 18 months of research and $2.7 million spent, the Ornithological Behaviourist determined the cause in the deaths.
When crows eat road kill, they always set-up a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
His conclusion was that the lookout crow could say “Cah”, but he could not say “Truck”.
I just wanted to make sure that you knew your tax money was being well spent.

Have a great day Bushy.

There are times when its just you and the bird's.

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Reply By: Member - Geoff M (VIC) - Friday, Apr 21, 2017 at 09:35

Friday, Apr 21, 2017 at 09:35
AnswerID: 610392

Reply By: Shaker - Friday, Apr 21, 2017 at 09:47

Friday, Apr 21, 2017 at 09:47
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Parking Officer's funeral, a voice from inside screams:
"I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"
The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and says,
“Too late mate, the paperwork has already been done”!

"Jesus loves you"
Nice to hear in church, but not in a Mexican prison!

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AnswerID: 610393

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Apr 21, 2017 at 09:49

Friday, Apr 21, 2017 at 09:49
Five For The Money

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A pastor hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'" The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The pastor buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish. The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish. He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f******g potatoes!"


TWO

There was a preacher who fell in the ocean and he couldn't swim. When a boat came by, the captain yelled, "Do you need help, sir?" The preacher calmly said "No, God will save me." A little later, another boat came by and a fisherman asked, "Hey, do you need help?" The preacher replied again, "No God will save me." Eventually the preacher drowned & went to heaven. The preacher asked God, "Why didn't you save me?" God replied, "Fool, I sent you two boats!"

THREE

APHORISM: ("A short, pointed sentence that expresses a wise or clever
observation or a general truth")

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don't have a sense of humour you probably don't have any sense at
all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark
to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many
people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else
looks?
9. Stroke a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy
a car.

FOUR

During my recent golf outing, I had been slicing off the tee on every hole.
I asked my Scottish-born caddy if he noticed any obvious reasons for my
poor tee shots, to which the caddy replied:

"Aye, there's a piece of shyt on the end of yer driver !!"

I picked up my driver and cleaned the club face, at which point, the caddy
said, "No, the other end !!"

bill

FIVE

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,'" and he left. The couple sat and waited, and waited. Two months passed and the couple were still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven." "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?" St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!," St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"
AnswerID: 610394

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Apr 21, 2017 at 09:59

Friday, Apr 21, 2017 at 09:59
These were posted on an Australian tourism website, and the answers are the
actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense
of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)
________________________________________________
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV,
how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown, and then just sit around watching them
die.
__________________________________________________
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.
__________________________________________________
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks?
( Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles. Take lots of water.
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list
of them in Brisbane, Cairns , Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: Af-ri-ca is the big
triangle shaped continent
south of Europe.
Aust-ra-lia is that big island
in the middle of the Pacific
which does not ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the hippo
racing is every Tuesday night
in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south, and then turn180 degrees. Contact us when
you get here and we'll send
the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________
Q: Can I bring cutlery in to Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint
little country bordering
Ger-man-y, which is ...
Oh, forget it. Sure, the
Vienna Boys Choir plays every
Tuesday night in Kings Cross,
straight after the hippo
races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?
__________________________________________________
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round?
(Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of veganhunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can Dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in
A-mer-ica, which is where YOU
come from. All Australian
snakes are perfectly harmless,
can be safely handled, and
make good pets.
__________________________________________________
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its
name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear.
They are so called because
they drop out of gum trees and
eat the brains of anyone
walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go
out walking __________________________________________________
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you
tell me where I can sell it in Australia? ( )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

bill
AnswerID: 610396

Reply By: Member - bbuzz (NSW) - Friday, Apr 21, 2017 at 10:01

Friday, Apr 21, 2017 at 10:01
Subject:Scouse F1?

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."
This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British Government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some
Liverpudlian youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent doc*mentary on how
unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less
than four seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew
could only do it in six seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech
equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team
as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage
over every other team.
However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for;
At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able
to change all four wheels in under six seconds but, within twelve seconds,
they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for
eight cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's
bird in the shower.

bill
AnswerID: 610397

Reply By: torro - Friday, Apr 21, 2017 at 13:11

Friday, Apr 21, 2017 at 13:11
Cat got your tongue?

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:
Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying. On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem
. Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen. "Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it." "You know where the button is," I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. "Reset it yourself!"
"But I'm scared!" she persisted. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?" There was a meaningful pause and then, "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly. Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.
Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of "been-there, done-that" paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding. Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was. "What's the matter?" They all asked, "Cat got your tongue?"
If they only knew! Why is it that only the women laugh at this?
AnswerID: 610403

Reply By: Member - Racey - Friday, Apr 21, 2017 at 17:12

Friday, Apr 21, 2017 at 17:12
Banned from Coles
Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local Cole's store buying a large bag of pal dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the pal Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets with pal nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was now
enthralled with my story.)
Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stopped while crossing the road to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.
I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Cole's.
Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
AnswerID: 610409

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